Feels

One of my friends posted a suicide note on Facebook. No one knew where she was. Yale just confirmed that she passed away.

I don’t know what to say or do. She went to Yale, so literally there was nothing that I can personally do. I didn’t even know her that well either, so I’m not as deeply affected by it as I imagine her other friends. I did know her though.

I find it very sad that I wasn’t as affected by Phoebe or Seth Teller or any of the other deaths that happened recently and it has to hit close to home for me to actually feel strange or in a funk. Likewise for all of the grand scale of deaths that are happening elsewhere in the world.

I also find it sad that people only talk about how good people are until after people have died or other times of tragedy. Like, it’s just this outpouring of feels and then it goes away. I appreciate this documentary I saw where this terminally ill person got together a gathering of friends while she was still cogent so they could have a celebration before it got bad. But part of the note she wrote was that there was nothing that we could have done.

Be good to one another – not just immediately after a tragedy but all the time. I don’t always know how to help and I don’t know what’s the best thing to do. I’ll try to more proactively reach out to people – but will that cause too much pressure on you to show your vulnerability? I’ll tell you I’m there for you – but will that cause you to feel more fear of letting down your friends? I’ll sit in the same room with you – but will that make you feel like no one cares?

I don’t know. I know that I’m sad that she’s gone. I wish I could do more, but I’m not sure what to do. Thanks for those of you who have checked in on me when I’ve been feeling rough and I hope I can do the same for you. I’m sorry if I’ve ever brushed you away when you’ve been suffering.

-Lilly

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